NWSFLSH: Turns Out Osama bin Laden Hates Climate Change as Much as You Do

from Al Jazeera:

"...In an audio tape obtained by Al Jazeera, [Osama] bin Laden criticised George Bush, the former US president, for rejecting the Kyoto pact and condemned global corporations. 'This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take,' bin Laden said."

Clever, clever, clever! And kind of surprising at first glance, the rascal. In a bid to appeal to anyone and everyone disillusioned by the big business-friendly West, bin Laden offers his own "you guys, we gotta stop this craziness, you guys" criticism of carbon emissions. He praises Noam Chomsky's stance toward the 'Mafia-esque' US government and encourages world markets to stop dealing in the US dollar so that its stranglehold over foreign economies will diminish.

He whines articulately, "George Bush junior, preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs. They are also behind globalisation and its tragic implications. And whenever the perpetrators are found guilty, the heads of state rush to rescue them using public money."

Now I'm no kitten-stabbing terrorist-championing sleeper agent, but the motherfucker does bring up a couple of totally valid and relevant points. The shitty thing is, this particular message, coming from perhaps the most universally despised figure imaginable (in the western world, anyway), has about the same 'no-fucking-duh, asshole' communicative effectiveness as your drunken uncle whispering complaints about the recession into your ear while he's struggling to fit his dick in your butt. At the same time, though, the fact that he's choosing this message as the one to appeal to everyone in the world is pretty cool and kind of encouraging.

Naturally, the far right immediately jumped on this as the perfect opportunity to not-so-subtly equate "environmentalists, European anarchists, [and] many Congressional Democrats" with al-Qaeda-related baby eating and such. But who really gives a shit what a knuckle-dragging mouthbreather making arguments like that has to say anyways, am I right?

Yes.

Fuck C.D.s! It's The Mummies

Ahh, the Mummies. The band that got me into garage rock. The band that got me interested in playing in a surf rock band. The band that finally entrenched my belief that live music is best played drunk as fuck, fuzzy as shit, and not very skillfully, but with the energy of a blazing typhurricane.

I remember buying my first Mummies record. It was 2004 or 2005, I was already in a surf band, and happened to be on a surf trip to Tofino, BC. There's a little record store on the outskirts of town there, and after a few minutes of filing through Ben Harper, the Dead, String Cheese Incident, and the like, I came across their final release, Runnin' on Empty, Volume II. I never spend more than $30 on ANYTHING, let alone vinyl, but I knew right then and there that I had to have it. I took that record home and got drunk alone listening to it over and over and over again. They fucking cover Devo, ferchrissake. TWICE. If you consider yourself a garage rock fan and haven't heard this record, I'll fucking lend it to you. 

Ricardo Fumar, the foremost authority on the band, majestically postulated on the record's liner notes that "the Mummies were proof that you CAN eat shit - and live!"

Here is the song that started it all for me:

The Mummies. The band that, mark my words, will make me start another garage rock band.

NWSFLSH: Unquestionably Human Highlights of the Leaked 9/11 Texts

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What it do.

Yeah, I persistently neglect updating this blog. Whatever, I've been busy:

...Apart from competitive eating , I've been doing quite a bit. I've never blogged about my personal life, but it's been an exciting year. I escaped a poisonous and mutually damaging relationship, went on an epic and immeasurably worthwhile journey all over Southeastern Europe to cap off my time living in the Czech Republic, moved  back to Canada, and finally found a job I love working in Vancouver's Downtown Eastside.

I've recently promised myself I'll never again work a job that I can't feel great about. How strictly I'll adhere to that is anyone's guess and only time will tell, but to sum up, I'm poor as fucking shit right now yet I feel happier and more ambitious than I ever have in my life. It's really refreshing; for the past four or five months, I feel like I've been radiating joie de vivre in the same way that Lil Wayne emanates pure ineptitude at the guitar or that Babar exudes the spirit of neocolonialism. 

Unrelated to (though definitely not hurting) my newfound exuberance for humanity is my decision to have a 'So-vem-ber': one month without putting anything "bad" or "fun" into my body. The goal is to work on self-control, something I could always work on, and to generally be more aware about my consumption. In other words, no more of this:

Fuck, that was a rough night. I also started a tumblr page in a sort of lazy, stream-of-consciousness effort to (micro)blog more. As for this page, I'm hoping to continue writing about ridiculous things I see all over the place as well as reviews of anything and everything I find interesting. I'm planning on reviewing my kitten Chuck once I get to know him better, but we've only been hanging out for a week or so. So that's what's up with me. 

My First Youtube Video Remix

Idiot + FOX News =

Me+ Poverty + Unable to go out on Saturday night + Bored as hell =

Masterful Czech Graffiti #6: Slovenian Dicks Edition

The title says it all. Hanging out in Ljubljana, Slovenia in June was an outstanding and unique experience. My only knowledge prior to going to Ljubljana was that it was just a funny name in the window of the Eastern European travel agency next to Bon's all-day breakfast spot in Vancouver. But it's actually a fucking amazing city. The city rents out cruiser bikes for 5 Euros a day. It's flat and very green. Beers run about 2 Euros. There's an exciting and vibrant free living commune with bars and clubs in a three-block compound which was formerly a Yugoslav military base. The women are beautiful and they all speak English. But the icing on the cake for me, though, was the inexplicable dick graffiti literally plastered all over this town. Without further ado, some highlights of the many dicks of Ljubljana:

Romance!

Happiness!
True love!
Self-portrait!

...and finally the piece de resistance, a daring three-dick Baile Funk masterpiece (with my rental bike in the foreground)!

I've been moving around a lot recently. More to come. 

Masterful Czech Graffiti: #5

I could lie and say I haven't had time to update this blog, but I've basically been spending my time in the past few months going on aimless yet epic walks, sitting on my ass trying to watch Two and a Half Men and Touched By an Angel in Czech, and playing a SHITLOAD of Earthbound for SNES. I have no regrets.

I guess the good news is that during these epic wandering treks I've seen a lot of stupid shit recently and I've been pretty good about bringing my camera around with me. So without further ado:

Plunder!

Reverberation!
Redundancy!

ESL!
Gangland!

Brutal honesty!

Personal Favourite!
Uttering threats!
Rawk!
Size!

Malaise!

Emo!
Indiscriminate rage!
Dripping cock!
Unpleasant wishes!

More soon!