NWSFLSH: Turns Out Osama bin Laden Hates Climate Change as Much as You Do

from Al Jazeera:

"...In an audio tape obtained by Al Jazeera, [Osama] bin Laden criticised George Bush, the former US president, for rejecting the Kyoto pact and condemned global corporations. 'This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take,' bin Laden said."

Clever, clever, clever! And kind of surprising at first glance, the rascal. In a bid to appeal to anyone and everyone disillusioned by the big business-friendly West, bin Laden offers his own "you guys, we gotta stop this craziness, you guys" criticism of carbon emissions. He praises Noam Chomsky's stance toward the 'Mafia-esque' US government and encourages world markets to stop dealing in the US dollar so that its stranglehold over foreign economies will diminish.

He whines articulately, "George Bush junior, preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs. They are also behind globalisation and its tragic implications. And whenever the perpetrators are found guilty, the heads of state rush to rescue them using public money."

Now I'm no kitten-stabbing terrorist-championing sleeper agent, but the motherfucker does bring up a couple of totally valid and relevant points. The shitty thing is, this particular message, coming from perhaps the most universally despised figure imaginable (in the western world, anyway), has about the same 'no-fucking-duh, asshole' communicative effectiveness as your drunken uncle whispering complaints about the recession into your ear while he's struggling to fit his dick in your butt. At the same time, though, the fact that he's choosing this message as the one to appeal to everyone in the world is pretty cool and kind of encouraging.

Naturally, the far right immediately jumped on this as the perfect opportunity to not-so-subtly equate "environmentalists, European anarchists, [and] many Congressional Democrats" with al-Qaeda-related baby eating and such. But who really gives a shit what a knuckle-dragging mouthbreather making arguments like that has to say anyways, am I right?

Yes.

NWSFLSH: Unquestionably Human Highlights of the Leaked 9/11 Texts

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NWSFLSH: Local Man's Hopes Dashed by Shit African Economy

by Jeffy Jefferson, Staff Reporter

HARARE, Zimbabwe -- The dream is over. It's all gone Pete Tong. Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that The Central Bank of Zimbabwe has essentially abandoned its currency with the announcement that businesses can now legally conduct business in foreign currencies. This means a couple of things: among them, 1) that the starving trillionaires of Zimbabwe will continue to use US dollars for basic transactions, as they have been for months; 2) that Zimbabwean teachers, many of whom have resorted to selling their bodies on the street to earn money, might have some reason to go back to work in the coming months with the incentive of being paid in non-imaginary currency; and 3) that it no longer makes logical sense to continue printing new, obscenely high denominations of money nobody is using anyways.

So on to the really bad news, the related but much more distressing story for me: today we have news that a week or two after introducing its highest denomination bill ($100 trillion) they've knocked TWELVE more zeros off the Zim Dollar. If you've read this blog before, you know how devastating this is for me and my dream of rolling and writhing around in a bathtub teeming with cash money dollar bills, be they worthless or not. There's nothing I can do, and as a result it's probably time I start looking to other countries with floundering economies. Mother shit.


A short calculation: Under the new system, one trillion ZWD now equals one ZWD. In the last five months, this country has knocked TWENTY TWO zeros off its currency. At $100 trillion, the newest bill was worth about $35USD. If the system were left unchecked... Okay that's a poor choice of words, because the system HAS been left entirely unchecked. But if the system had not made its ludicrous attempts to control inflation by cutting 22 zeros out of the equation, $0.33 USD would today be worth ten SEXTILLION ZWD, or $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (there are something like 70 sextillion stars in our motherfucking GALAXY according to the most recent estimates). All that works out to about three and a half metric shit-tons of zeros. This kind of hyperinflation makes me finally understand why we had to learn scientific notation in high school, as when you get to numbers like these it's not even worth your time to write that many zeros. You know your country is in trouble when.

Anyways, in moderately positive news for the nation, it also looks like president Bobby "Dick" Mugabe may have finally come to a power-sharing deal with Morgan Tsvangirai, the HUGE-balled opposition leader who has in the past been kidnapped, threatened, and beaten to a pulp by Mugabe's troops. So maybe something good will come of that, but I wouldn't bet the farm just yet, as Mugabe has a promise-keeping history on par with Hitler himself ("Guys I told you already, I'm not gonna invade Czechoslovakia. Seriously. You have my word."). Because it's topical, and because Mugabe's a dick, I want to share this awesome drawing my brother Justin did of Mugabe recently:

'mr. mugabe, how do you get your powers?' (2009)

Awesome.

NWSFLSH: Man Shoots Breeze, Self

This is why I pack my nine in a holster.

Disgraced football star Plaxico Buress was behind this beautiful excerpt from a police report (thanks Pat):

"...informant observed defendant holding a drink in his left hand while fidgeting with his right hand in the area of the waistline of his pants as he entered the upper VIP area of the Latin Quarter Club... Informant then heard a 'pop' sound and defendant stated in substance, "Take me to a hospital." Informant then observed defendant's legs begin to shake and as defendant's legs were shaking, informant observed a pistol fall out of defendant's pant leg to the floor. Informant further observed that there was blood on said pistol."

Tremendous.

Apart from having a name that sounds like a dildo manufacturing company, Plaxico has had problems in the past. Last year he stormed out of a strip club, insulting female patrons and refusing to pay his $2000 bill because "no women were paying any attention to him." Asshat.

NWSFLSH: Michael Jordan Rapes Vancouver Grizzlies TO DEATH

You may remember this newsflash if you're from Vancouver...

From the November 31, 1995 Vancouver Sun:

(VANCOUVER) - Vancouver fans may have believed their third-ever win was possible last night, until they were unpleasantly surprised by how capable a real live professional athlete can be. The Grizzlies led the Chicago Bulls by 6 points with 6 minutes remaining in the Grizzlies' 18th game in franchise history, until professional basketball player Michael Jordan put on his Ted Bundy outfit and proceeded to rape the fucking shit out of our young team, littering the court with the defiled corpses of second-rate athletes. Anthony Avent finished with 4 points.

by Jeffy Jefferson

19 points in the last 6 minutes of the game, and not just with a bunch of boring jumpers. Not even Greg "14-points-a-game-and-thus-top-scorer-on-the-team" Anthony could step in his way.

I think my favourite moment is at 1:32 when he draws a foul from Big Country. It's like Ironman fighting a villain made out of big slow idiot instead of omnium steel. The replays are awesome.