CONTEST: Who Am I?

First person to guess who I am in the comments section will get that crisp Hitler postcard personally mailed to them, by whoever I end up being. By the way, you can now comment on all my posts without signing in to anything.

CLUES:

I like American football. In fact I am an NFL star.

I love drugs. I was arrested in 2006 with a bunch of weed and have since claimed, on record, that I know how to beat the NFL's drug testing system.

I love women. Well actually this one is more of a love-hate kinda thing. You could say I have a penchant for spitting in the faces of women at nightclubs. Although there have been several incidents of this, the most recent was in 2006. Her story: motherfucker spat in my face for no reason. My story: bitch stole my wallet.

I love violence. A laundry list of misdemeanour assault and weapons charges litters my criminal record. Perhaps my fondest violent memory was the time a few months ago when I drunkenly assaulted some bodyguards who were personally assigned by my NFL team to keep me out of trouble. As a result I was suspended indefinitely from the NFL for the second time in my career. How many guys can truthfully speak that sentence?

I was also arrested a year ago for assaulting a female strip club employee in Atlanta. Her story: motherfucker reached over the counter and suckerpunched me in the left eye. My story: to quote Slim Thug, "I ain't heard a dat."

I suffer from autism, or if I'm not autistic, I simply have no concept of finances or monetary value. Outside of my football career, I am best known for walking into a Las Vegas strip club and showering 40 strippers with literally over $81,000. Club owner's story: motherfucker flipped out once my girls started to actually pick up the money he was throwing around. He repeatedly bashed a stripper's head against a metal bar and when confronted, threatened to kill our security staff. Upon leaving, two of his friends returned into the club and shot up the place, seriosuly injuring two people and leaving another paralyzed for life. My story: I'm a paying customer.

So? Who am I?

Finally...

After, oh, two to three weeks of abolutely zero responses to this shitty 'contest' idea, I havefinally tricked someone into making a banner for this blog. Many thanks to Montreal-based masturb-animator Peter Koss for this titillating design. I actually love it.

From Peter's email to me:

I felt your blog was severely missing tightly packed text, gaudy colours and faux stereo 3D imagery of yourself. I hope this fills in that void.

Oddly, he used a photo of me from that time I went as a Chinese guy for Halloween, but thankfully I didn't have to do any work to get this banner. Gotcha, bitch. I'll keep you in mind when I'm at the top.

Stay tuned, I have some excellent graffiti to upload in the coming days once I get them off my camera.

Hate, hate hate

Okay so I am absolutely certain that each and every hit this site receives is just me making sure my posts are actually up. No big deal, I'm doing this more for my own personal entertainment than anything else. The "contest" remains open until I get a single entry. I hate people so much. 

Anyways... I'm not into hating people, though, for things they can't help (such as race), as the first few hundred years worth of American settlers are now infamous for. But you know what? One of the very few positive side effects of slavery was the development of an intensely real musical culture. Artists like Leadbelly brought their traditional songs into popular culture, and obviously nobody can fuck with the fact that they're some of the most important seminal components of modern music. I used to sing this song as a kid, having no idea what it meant.

I fucking love this song, and frankly cannot get it out of my head right now.

I personally challenge your toes not to tap.

A Contest Oughta Keep This Interesting: Banner!!!!!111one

Okay so I've been working a lot and planning lessons et cetera over the last 2 weeks, so I haven't had much time to have independent thoughts, hence the lack of genius ideas gracing this page. So howsabout in the meantime I open myself up for a little bit of 21st-century sabotage?

NEWSFLASH: You can text my phone from anywhere in the world, for free, at the following site:

http://www.vodafonesms.cz/?locale=en

Do you have my number? I'll give you a hint: it's triple seven oh six eight seven hundred. There's no way this is a bad idea. GodDAMN, I'm a fucking star. I should do this sort of thing all the time.

As if that weren't enough, it occurred to me the other day that a blog needs a banner, and as such this is not yet a blog. The first person to send one to rlongoz at gmail dot com (prominently displaying the title) will have their glorious banner proudly displayed atop this site for at least a week. I probably won't post it if it insinuates that I'm a pedo or anything like that, but almost everything is fair game. Plus I don't think anyone ever reads this shit anyways. I am relatively certain that this is another very good idea.