NWSFLSH: Turns Out Osama bin Laden Hates Climate Change as Much as You Do

from Al Jazeera:

"...In an audio tape obtained by Al Jazeera, [Osama] bin Laden criticised George Bush, the former US president, for rejecting the Kyoto pact and condemned global corporations. 'This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take,' bin Laden said."

Clever, clever, clever! And kind of surprising at first glance, the rascal. In a bid to appeal to anyone and everyone disillusioned by the big business-friendly West, bin Laden offers his own "you guys, we gotta stop this craziness, you guys" criticism of carbon emissions. He praises Noam Chomsky's stance toward the 'Mafia-esque' US government and encourages world markets to stop dealing in the US dollar so that its stranglehold over foreign economies will diminish.

He whines articulately, "George Bush junior, preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs. They are also behind globalisation and its tragic implications. And whenever the perpetrators are found guilty, the heads of state rush to rescue them using public money."

Now I'm no kitten-stabbing terrorist-championing sleeper agent, but the motherfucker does bring up a couple of totally valid and relevant points. The shitty thing is, this particular message, coming from perhaps the most universally despised figure imaginable (in the western world, anyway), has about the same 'no-fucking-duh, asshole' communicative effectiveness as your drunken uncle whispering complaints about the recession into your ear while he's struggling to fit his dick in your butt. At the same time, though, the fact that he's choosing this message as the one to appeal to everyone in the world is pretty cool and kind of encouraging.

Naturally, the far right immediately jumped on this as the perfect opportunity to not-so-subtly equate "environmentalists, European anarchists, [and] many Congressional Democrats" with al-Qaeda-related baby eating and such. But who really gives a shit what a knuckle-dragging mouthbreather making arguments like that has to say anyways, am I right?

Yes.

NWSFLSH: Local Man's Hopes Dashed by Shit African Economy

by Jeffy Jefferson, Staff Reporter

HARARE, Zimbabwe -- The dream is over. It's all gone Pete Tong. Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is that The Central Bank of Zimbabwe has essentially abandoned its currency with the announcement that businesses can now legally conduct business in foreign currencies. This means a couple of things: among them, 1) that the starving trillionaires of Zimbabwe will continue to use US dollars for basic transactions, as they have been for months; 2) that Zimbabwean teachers, many of whom have resorted to selling their bodies on the street to earn money, might have some reason to go back to work in the coming months with the incentive of being paid in non-imaginary currency; and 3) that it no longer makes logical sense to continue printing new, obscenely high denominations of money nobody is using anyways.

So on to the really bad news, the related but much more distressing story for me: today we have news that a week or two after introducing its highest denomination bill ($100 trillion) they've knocked TWELVE more zeros off the Zim Dollar. If you've read this blog before, you know how devastating this is for me and my dream of rolling and writhing around in a bathtub teeming with cash money dollar bills, be they worthless or not. There's nothing I can do, and as a result it's probably time I start looking to other countries with floundering economies. Mother shit.


A short calculation: Under the new system, one trillion ZWD now equals one ZWD. In the last five months, this country has knocked TWENTY TWO zeros off its currency. At $100 trillion, the newest bill was worth about $35USD. If the system were left unchecked... Okay that's a poor choice of words, because the system HAS been left entirely unchecked. But if the system had not made its ludicrous attempts to control inflation by cutting 22 zeros out of the equation, $0.33 USD would today be worth ten SEXTILLION ZWD, or $10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 (there are something like 70 sextillion stars in our motherfucking GALAXY according to the most recent estimates). All that works out to about three and a half metric shit-tons of zeros. This kind of hyperinflation makes me finally understand why we had to learn scientific notation in high school, as when you get to numbers like these it's not even worth your time to write that many zeros. You know your country is in trouble when.

Anyways, in moderately positive news for the nation, it also looks like president Bobby "Dick" Mugabe may have finally come to a power-sharing deal with Morgan Tsvangirai, the HUGE-balled opposition leader who has in the past been kidnapped, threatened, and beaten to a pulp by Mugabe's troops. So maybe something good will come of that, but I wouldn't bet the farm just yet, as Mugabe has a promise-keeping history on par with Hitler himself ("Guys I told you already, I'm not gonna invade Czechoslovakia. Seriously. You have my word."). Because it's topical, and because Mugabe's a dick, I want to share this awesome drawing my brother Justin did of Mugabe recently:

'mr. mugabe, how do you get your powers?' (2009)

Awesome.

Mein-y Kampf-mas

I'm sorry for not posting a lot recently. I've been busy, so back off.

Anyways, I picked up this old postcard at a second hand shop here in Prague. It's Santa Klaus, which is kinda strange because in the Czech Republic they teach their kids that it's the baby Jesus (not Santa) who sneaks around giving gifts to kids. The card itself pretty innocuous and kinda festive, until you turn it over, and then uh-oh:

In this photo (L to R): Happy little Czech children, Santa Klaus

In this photo (L to R): Hitler

Mugabe to World Leaders: "Bitch I thought I told you to shut your dirty bitch mouth, bitch"

So it sucks that there's still stuff to post about this dude, but our buddy and President of the Failed State of Zimbabwe Robert "Fuckhead" Mugabe is back at it again. There is so much shit going down in his country right now that it's impossible to talk about it all, but it's also impossible not to say anything about it. So here's a brief summary of the tip of the iceberg.

Firstly:  Mugabe's government has now gone on record insulting heads of state all over the world who have criticized its tyrannical dictatorship, stating it hopes "this is the last time they open their dirty mouths on Zimbabwe." As of today, Mugabe is inexplicably (and inexcusably) backed by the African Union in his refusal to leave office and is using this opportunity to all but dare the rest of the world to overthrow him, saying through his spokesman, "we won this country through the barrel of the gun and we will defend it the way we won it." No doubt that's hardcore, but it's the stupid kind of hardcore, more like post-screamo-core than anything. So this isn't the first time Mugabe and his crew have challenged world leaders. He's been noted in the past for, on separate occasions, telling former UK PM Tony Blair and American Ambassador to Zimbabwe Chris Dell to both "go to hell." He also once called Blair a "gangster" who had "gone insane." I love that. I'm sorry but to me it's really funny when politicians are that candid on record.

Secondly: Apart from widespread starvation, which is more or less commonplace and therefore no longer surprising in this country, Zimbabweans have a couple of terrifying disease outbreaks to keep their minds off their mess of a country. FAQ TIME!

Q: Which diseases? A: Cholera, the last outbreak of which in North America occurred in 1911 (and has now infected over 11,000 Zimbabweans), and ANTHRAX. Like, not your fancy "biotech-lab-cultured-post-9/11-white-powder-to-Sen.-Tom-Daschle" kind of anthrax, but rather the "your-livestock-is-dead-because-you-can't-feed-it-and-death-surrounds-you-because-there's-no-firewood-to-boil-water-with-and-you-are-literally-forced-to-eat-raw-the-spore-ridden-rotting-corpses-of-your-cattle" kind of anthrax.

Q: Who the fuck gets anthrax nowadays? A: I don't know. It's insane. But the real answer is 3 people, so far.

Thirdly: These internal and foreign policy calamities all come just days after George "Fuckhead" Bush finally spoke out against Mugabe, saying something like "DUR, he's bad...time to go," which, coming from the spittled mouth of the most powerful subhumans on the planet, is supposed to mean something. So who the hell knows. Barack Obama has yet to make a comment, so this would be a good opportunity for him to step up and at least say something.

At the same time, although it sounds selfish, the paper money bathing fantasy I keep writing about (see 'Zimbabwe' tag below) seems to become more and more realistic every day, even after Mugabe knocked ten zeroes off the currency a couple months back. In reaction to months and months of exploding hyperinflation (and really, who could have guessed that knocking ten zeroes off the currency would NOT effectively solve the nation's financial crisis?), the government has now unveiled its latest obscenely large bill, at the denomination of $200,000,000. This is the second time around that they've released a bill at this amount, so maybe this'll be it. Maybe this is as high as they'll have to go, and they won't release a $1 billion bill in the next month or so. Maybe. Probably not though. I don't think it's unreasonable to say it won't be long until they're back to the $100 billion bill and I'm washing my stanky crotch in cash money that is worth less that the dirt it's covered in. 

Lastly: Under Mugabe's orders, as if all this bullshit weren't enough of a strain on the Zimbabwean people, his troops have now begun to spark and fuel a huge blood-diamond industry by looting diamond mines, killing indiscriminately, and generally fucking shit up all over the place.

BOOOOO. Next post will be positive and happy, I promise.

A fine day.

On this day we are one step closer...

...to sane government in the States, which affects us all. What it do, Obama.

AND

...to my fantasy of bathing in paper currency. Today, just over two months after Robert Mugabe idiotically cut ten zeroes off his nation's currency, making ten dollars the highest denomination available, Zimbabwe is again issuing ZWD $100,000, $200,000 and $1,000,000 notes. Before today the highest denomination was ZWD $50,000, which won't buy even a half of a loaf of bread. Today, as the new currency is being issued, a million Zimbabwean dollars is worth 8 US dollars and is steadily falling.

1000 Czech koruny equals roughly $60 Canadian. When I arrived in the Czech Republic and I realized a person within my means could possibly spend a thousand of something in one night, I was absolutely thrilled. But shit man, what about the prospect of spending ten million of something at the bar?
I'm telling you, Mildred. These fellows may be on to something.

Come on, America.

I have a really bad feeling about tonight, and I hope it's unjustified. It is a feeling that there is a shitload of silent support for McCain, or rather, against half-black leadership. Support that has not participated in any polls, probably because it doesn't own a telephone, and that will come out in record numbers to ensure a minority never gains power. Sort of like an inbred mute midget with an Uzi, who looks timid and easy to beat up, but will blow your ass away the second you step to him.

Come on, America. Don't let some stupid rednecks ruin it for everyone else again. A vote for McCain is a vote for a true-blue polar bear fucker. FACT.

from funwithmccain.com

Also, not to flog a dead horse, but buddy is 71. The life expectancy of an average american male is 73. A presidential term lasts four years. Hmmm...

Let's do some simple math. 71 - 73 = 2 years of this horrible prostitute RUNNING THE WORLD.


Fingers crossed!

Hate, hate hate

Okay so I am absolutely certain that each and every hit this site receives is just me making sure my posts are actually up. No big deal, I'm doing this more for my own personal entertainment than anything else. The "contest" remains open until I get a single entry. I hate people so much. 

Anyways... I'm not into hating people, though, for things they can't help (such as race), as the first few hundred years worth of American settlers are now infamous for. But you know what? One of the very few positive side effects of slavery was the development of an intensely real musical culture. Artists like Leadbelly brought their traditional songs into popular culture, and obviously nobody can fuck with the fact that they're some of the most important seminal components of modern music. I used to sing this song as a kid, having no idea what it meant.

I fucking love this song, and frankly cannot get it out of my head right now.

I personally challenge your toes not to tap.

Masterful Czech Graffiti: #1

This is a feature I just know will become a mainstay on this blog.  The #1 and #2 national passions in the Czech Republic are (as everyone will agree) picking wild mushrooms and going to the store to buy yogurt, respectively. But did you know that the #3 national pastime is graffiti, followed closely by hating on narcissists and warmongers?

Take as proof this 'beaut' I found on the street the other day:

...and its poetic complement, just a few metres further down the wall:

Homer Simpson sits, watching his favourite cop show, McGarnigle.

Chief (On TV): You're off the case, McGarnigle!

McGarnigle: You're off YOUR case, Chief!

Chief: What does that mean, exactly?

Homer (screaming at TV): IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!