Mein-y Kampf-mas

I'm sorry for not posting a lot recently. I've been busy, so back off.

Anyways, I picked up this old postcard at a second hand shop here in Prague. It's Santa Klaus, which is kinda strange because in the Czech Republic they teach their kids that it's the baby Jesus (not Santa) who sneaks around giving gifts to kids. The card itself pretty innocuous and kinda festive, until you turn it over, and then uh-oh:

In this photo (L to R): Happy little Czech children, Santa Klaus

In this photo (L to R): Hitler

Mugabe to World Leaders: "Bitch I thought I told you to shut your dirty bitch mouth, bitch"

So it sucks that there's still stuff to post about this dude, but our buddy and President of the Failed State of Zimbabwe Robert "Fuckhead" Mugabe is back at it again. There is so much shit going down in his country right now that it's impossible to talk about it all, but it's also impossible not to say anything about it. So here's a brief summary of the tip of the iceberg.

Firstly:  Mugabe's government has now gone on record insulting heads of state all over the world who have criticized its tyrannical dictatorship, stating it hopes "this is the last time they open their dirty mouths on Zimbabwe." As of today, Mugabe is inexplicably (and inexcusably) backed by the African Union in his refusal to leave office and is using this opportunity to all but dare the rest of the world to overthrow him, saying through his spokesman, "we won this country through the barrel of the gun and we will defend it the way we won it." No doubt that's hardcore, but it's the stupid kind of hardcore, more like post-screamo-core than anything. So this isn't the first time Mugabe and his crew have challenged world leaders. He's been noted in the past for, on separate occasions, telling former UK PM Tony Blair and American Ambassador to Zimbabwe Chris Dell to both "go to hell." He also once called Blair a "gangster" who had "gone insane." I love that. I'm sorry but to me it's really funny when politicians are that candid on record.

Secondly: Apart from widespread starvation, which is more or less commonplace and therefore no longer surprising in this country, Zimbabweans have a couple of terrifying disease outbreaks to keep their minds off their mess of a country. FAQ TIME!

Q: Which diseases? A: Cholera, the last outbreak of which in North America occurred in 1911 (and has now infected over 11,000 Zimbabweans), and ANTHRAX. Like, not your fancy "biotech-lab-cultured-post-9/11-white-powder-to-Sen.-Tom-Daschle" kind of anthrax, but rather the "your-livestock-is-dead-because-you-can't-feed-it-and-death-surrounds-you-because-there's-no-firewood-to-boil-water-with-and-you-are-literally-forced-to-eat-raw-the-spore-ridden-rotting-corpses-of-your-cattle" kind of anthrax.

Q: Who the fuck gets anthrax nowadays? A: I don't know. It's insane. But the real answer is 3 people, so far.

Thirdly: These internal and foreign policy calamities all come just days after George "Fuckhead" Bush finally spoke out against Mugabe, saying something like "DUR, he's bad...time to go," which, coming from the spittled mouth of the most powerful subhumans on the planet, is supposed to mean something. So who the hell knows. Barack Obama has yet to make a comment, so this would be a good opportunity for him to step up and at least say something.

At the same time, although it sounds selfish, the paper money bathing fantasy I keep writing about (see 'Zimbabwe' tag below) seems to become more and more realistic every day, even after Mugabe knocked ten zeroes off the currency a couple months back. In reaction to months and months of exploding hyperinflation (and really, who could have guessed that knocking ten zeroes off the currency would NOT effectively solve the nation's financial crisis?), the government has now unveiled its latest obscenely large bill, at the denomination of $200,000,000. This is the second time around that they've released a bill at this amount, so maybe this'll be it. Maybe this is as high as they'll have to go, and they won't release a $1 billion bill in the next month or so. Maybe. Probably not though. I don't think it's unreasonable to say it won't be long until they're back to the $100 billion bill and I'm washing my stanky crotch in cash money that is worth less that the dirt it's covered in. 

Lastly: Under Mugabe's orders, as if all this bullshit weren't enough of a strain on the Zimbabwean people, his troops have now begun to spark and fuel a huge blood-diamond industry by looting diamond mines, killing indiscriminately, and generally fucking shit up all over the place.

BOOOOO. Next post will be positive and happy, I promise.

Jiří Šlégr saves the day

Over the course of about two full seasons in total with the Vancouver Canucks, Jiří Šlégr chalked up a total of 77 points. Not bad, but not amazing either. I remember he could pass like a madman and exhibited classic European grace on the ice, but not much else. But now I will love him forever because he saved my ass about half an hour ago.


So I've had an aboslutely terrible morning today, spent mostly at the Prague foreign police office trying both to get my Czech business license and to help Deidre stay in this country legitimately. Anyways, my Metro pass, which had been valid for three months, expired two days ago. I was taking the tram without a valid ticket, or 'riding dirty' as we call it, towards a Metro station where I was planning to renew my pass. I stand up to get off at my stop when a Metro officer flashes his badge in my face and demands, in Czech, to see my pass. We get off the tram together and I am about ready at this point to either bolt or commit a good ol' desperate murder-suicide.

Now the language barrier in this country is a huge problem for me. I can ask for things, and communicate at a basic level, but to explain that I am a legal EU citizen who A) has had an absolute nightmare of a morning and is thus somehow deserving of his mercy and B) is LITERALLY on his way to renew the shit the officer wants, is to say the least beyond my level of Czech speaking proficiency. I fumble my way through some basic Czech and look in his eyes like he's just killed my family for no reason. He is getting pissed. He thinks for a second and looks at me stone faced, telling me, in English, "No ticket - no pass - you - police," while gesturing in the direction of the police station down the road.

So I take off my backpack to pull out some money to pay the guy and he notices my huge old school Vancouver Canucks patch. He starts talking in Czech about osoby on the Canucks, like people on the Canucks, and I excitedly follow what he's saying, like "Fuck yeah man, Jiří Šlégr, on je český! A Petr Nedvěd! On je od Liberec!"

He turns and looks in the other direction and says to me, "Tak jo, hezky den," which means something like "Alright then, have a nice day." So I walked away in total disbelief, and now I gotta go renew my pass. WHAT THE FUCK! ha ha HA!

NWSFLSH: Man Shoots Breeze, Self

This is why I pack my nine in a holster.

Disgraced football star Plaxico Buress was behind this beautiful excerpt from a police report (thanks Pat):

"...informant observed defendant holding a drink in his left hand while fidgeting with his right hand in the area of the waistline of his pants as he entered the upper VIP area of the Latin Quarter Club... Informant then heard a 'pop' sound and defendant stated in substance, "Take me to a hospital." Informant then observed defendant's legs begin to shake and as defendant's legs were shaking, informant observed a pistol fall out of defendant's pant leg to the floor. Informant further observed that there was blood on said pistol."

Tremendous.

Apart from having a name that sounds like a dildo manufacturing company, Plaxico has had problems in the past. Last year he stormed out of a strip club, insulting female patrons and refusing to pay his $2000 bill because "no women were paying any attention to him." Asshat.

Ace Ventura Jr. ...wait, what?

Either this idea sucks or I'm just pissed I've never had my own straight-to-DVD movie deal.

You suck, kid. Stand up straight, you idiot.

NWSFLSH: Michael Jordan Rapes Vancouver Grizzlies TO DEATH

You may remember this newsflash if you're from Vancouver...

From the November 31, 1995 Vancouver Sun:

(VANCOUVER) - Vancouver fans may have believed their third-ever win was possible last night, until they were unpleasantly surprised by how capable a real live professional athlete can be. The Grizzlies led the Chicago Bulls by 6 points with 6 minutes remaining in the Grizzlies' 18th game in franchise history, until professional basketball player Michael Jordan put on his Ted Bundy outfit and proceeded to rape the fucking shit out of our young team, littering the court with the defiled corpses of second-rate athletes. Anthony Avent finished with 4 points.

by Jeffy Jefferson

19 points in the last 6 minutes of the game, and not just with a bunch of boring jumpers. Not even Greg "14-points-a-game-and-thus-top-scorer-on-the-team" Anthony could step in his way.

I think my favourite moment is at 1:32 when he draws a foul from Big Country. It's like Ironman fighting a villain made out of big slow idiot instead of omnium steel. The replays are awesome. 

 

Things I've Missed Out On: Brad Renfro's Funeral

So I really do hate people who write about celebrities all the time, but this is something that's gripped my mind for a while now. And it's more about actors. Anyways, remember how former child actor and awesome cult film star Brad Renfro, perhaps best known for his roles in Apt Pupil, Bully (which was fucking AWESOME), and Happy Campers, died earlier this year, exactly one week before Heath "Brokeback/Joker/Renfro Eclipser" Ledger? Probably not, cause the man never got his due recognition. Nor will he, even in death, because of how close his death was to a bigger star. A simple address bar search for "heathbaby.com" produces a massive fansite. Bradbaby.com? Fuck no.

Granted, Ledger was really good in The Dark Knight. But Renfro was The Client, man. Did anyone see that??

Did his death make the cover of any magazines? No.

Did anyone from Hollywood make a fuss? Absolutely not.

Did he even have a funeral? It seems improbable.

And maybe the most troubling question: Why couldn't it have been JTT? 

Justin Longoz

So my brother Justin, who is an astonishingly talented director, editor, animator, illustrator, and beard grower, is having some of his work published in Narwhal magazine for an interview with Paul Rudd of Knocked Up, Clueless, and Wet Hot American Summer fame. For the spread, he's illustrated some stills from Wet Hot American Summer. If you haven't seen the movie, you suck, but if you have you've probably seen it several times and will love the drawings which can be found here.

His shit is off the fucking heezy, and while you're at it you should check out his blog which is the first link on the sidebar.

(Justin Longoz, "Kurt Kar", 2005)

Masterful Czech Graffiti: #3

I've decided that the tags in this city speak for themselves, so from now on I'm not going to try and add clever captions, because that's just not working out. All I will say is that I was walking through Prague with my parents and my girlfriend when I saw these two, and that this next one is far and away my single favourite of all the graffiti I've seen in Prague so far. Props to my babygurl Deidre for spotting it:

A fine day.

On this day we are one step closer...

...to sane government in the States, which affects us all. What it do, Obama.

AND

...to my fantasy of bathing in paper currency. Today, just over two months after Robert Mugabe idiotically cut ten zeroes off his nation's currency, making ten dollars the highest denomination available, Zimbabwe is again issuing ZWD $100,000, $200,000 and $1,000,000 notes. Before today the highest denomination was ZWD $50,000, which won't buy even a half of a loaf of bread. Today, as the new currency is being issued, a million Zimbabwean dollars is worth 8 US dollars and is steadily falling.

1000 Czech koruny equals roughly $60 Canadian. When I arrived in the Czech Republic and I realized a person within my means could possibly spend a thousand of something in one night, I was absolutely thrilled. But shit man, what about the prospect of spending ten million of something at the bar?
I'm telling you, Mildred. These fellows may be on to something.

Come on, America.

I have a really bad feeling about tonight, and I hope it's unjustified. It is a feeling that there is a shitload of silent support for McCain, or rather, against half-black leadership. Support that has not participated in any polls, probably because it doesn't own a telephone, and that will come out in record numbers to ensure a minority never gains power. Sort of like an inbred mute midget with an Uzi, who looks timid and easy to beat up, but will blow your ass away the second you step to him.

Come on, America. Don't let some stupid rednecks ruin it for everyone else again. A vote for McCain is a vote for a true-blue polar bear fucker. FACT.

from funwithmccain.com

Also, not to flog a dead horse, but buddy is 71. The life expectancy of an average american male is 73. A presidential term lasts four years. Hmmm...

Let's do some simple math. 71 - 73 = 2 years of this horrible prostitute RUNNING THE WORLD.


Fingers crossed!

Celeb Movie Reviewzz: "Baby Mama"

Ryan: Welcome to the first installment of Crunk in Public's Celeb Movie Reviewzz. I must say this is truly an honour. With us today we have the ghost of famed tenor Luciano Pavarotti, and we've just finished watching the romantic comedy Baby Mama, which stars a galaxy of superstars including Tina Fey, Steve "Bringing Down The House" Martin, and Greg "Butt" Kinnear. The trailer suggested we'd be clocking up some serious smiles per hour (sm/h) on our laugh-ometer. Let's see what our guest has to say.

So Luciano, what did you think of the film?

Mr Pavarotti:
Ryan: Eloquently put, sir, but I am going to have to disagree with you.

Things I've Missed Out On: Zimbabwean Cash Baths

The other day, as I was posting that amazing joke about the Icelandic economy, I was reminded of a photograph I saw earlier this summer of a Zimbabwean kid strutting down the street with as many stacks of cash his little arms could carry. I remember thinking, this kid is a fucking pimp. Then I read up on it and discovered these $200,000 bills he's carrying were worth about 3 cents apiece. Okay, I think to myself, so maybe he's not a pimp, he's probably been charged with the task of walking to the corner store to buy a bottle of milk.

Hyperinflation is fascinating to me. This spring, one Canadian dollar would have bought you over ZWD$45 million. I ask YOU, who could resist the temptation to bathe in this much money? By July, the Canadian dollar was worth almost ZWD$1 trillion. They were printing money so fast that they fucking ran out of paper. Give me a fucking break; at this rate it would actually be cheaper to bathe in the money than to try and spend it on anything. It would be possible to save on food costs by blending the shit in water and drinking the worthless, filthy slurry. Economically speaking, it would literally be a waste of time to hold, look at, or burn stacks of this currency to warm your home. I think you get the idea.

Okay, so everything other than the money bath is rather unappealing. In fact, it's understandably ruining the lives of almost all Zimbabweans. Still though, filling a bathtub with liquid capital and writhing ecstatically within it has always been a dream of mine, especially bills with so many zeroes (on July 19th, they released a ZWD$100 billion bill, the highest denomination of currency ever produced anywhere, which could buy about three eggs).

For a second there, I thought this bathing idea may have been possible, at least until July 30 when widely detested tyrant dictator Robert "Fuckhead" Mugabe and his corrupt, impotent government ruined my dream by knocking ten zeroes off the currency, turning ZWD$10 billion into ZWD$1. I guess he assumed he could save on money printing costs or something.

Robert Mugabe is a fucking clown, but not the funny kind. The kind who has his opposition leader arrested and beaten to a pulp. The kind who has dissident citizens raped and beaten. The kind who consistently rigs elections, works around the clock to destroy freedom of press, and earlier this year had his thugs sever the hands and feet of a political opponent's pregnant wife before burning her and her six-year-old son alive.

He's a huge prick, is what I'm trying to say. In the early 1920s the Weimar Germans decided "Hey, we'll just print more money," and it failed. Mugabe said "Oh, our currency is worth less than nothing? Um, er, DUHHH... No it's not...?" and expected everyone to believe him. Well guess what, Mugabe? It ain't fucking working, man. The ZWD coins you reintroduced were worthless again within days. On September 19th you had to introduce a ZWD$1000 bill and then ZWD$10,000 and ZWD$20,000 ten days later (maybe it's just a matter of time before I can fulfill my bathing fantasy). The minimum price for a loaf of bread is ZWD$7000, or $70 trillion in the old system. Half a kilogram of baby cereal costs ZWD$1060. The average teacher's monthly salary is ZWD$800. Your country's inflation is now estimated to be 5,700,000,000,000% (not a typo - trillions), and you couldn't give a shit. Asshole.

So how are you?

It Is Now Time For A Topical Joke!

QUESTION: What's the capital of Iceland?

ANSWER: About ten bucks! DERP!

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Finally...

After, oh, two to three weeks of abolutely zero responses to this shitty 'contest' idea, I havefinally tricked someone into making a banner for this blog. Many thanks to Montreal-based masturb-animator Peter Koss for this titillating design. I actually love it.

From Peter's email to me:

I felt your blog was severely missing tightly packed text, gaudy colours and faux stereo 3D imagery of yourself. I hope this fills in that void.

Oddly, he used a photo of me from that time I went as a Chinese guy for Halloween, but thankfully I didn't have to do any work to get this banner. Gotcha, bitch. I'll keep you in mind when I'm at the top.

Stay tuned, I have some excellent graffiti to upload in the coming days once I get them off my camera.

Hate, hate hate

Okay so I am absolutely certain that each and every hit this site receives is just me making sure my posts are actually up. No big deal, I'm doing this more for my own personal entertainment than anything else. The "contest" remains open until I get a single entry. I hate people so much. 

Anyways... I'm not into hating people, though, for things they can't help (such as race), as the first few hundred years worth of American settlers are now infamous for. But you know what? One of the very few positive side effects of slavery was the development of an intensely real musical culture. Artists like Leadbelly brought their traditional songs into popular culture, and obviously nobody can fuck with the fact that they're some of the most important seminal components of modern music. I used to sing this song as a kid, having no idea what it meant.

I fucking love this song, and frankly cannot get it out of my head right now.

I personally challenge your toes not to tap.

A Contest Oughta Keep This Interesting: Banner!!!!!111one

Okay so I've been working a lot and planning lessons et cetera over the last 2 weeks, so I haven't had much time to have independent thoughts, hence the lack of genius ideas gracing this page. So howsabout in the meantime I open myself up for a little bit of 21st-century sabotage?

NEWSFLASH: You can text my phone from anywhere in the world, for free, at the following site:

http://www.vodafonesms.cz/?locale=en

Do you have my number? I'll give you a hint: it's triple seven oh six eight seven hundred. There's no way this is a bad idea. GodDAMN, I'm a fucking star. I should do this sort of thing all the time.

As if that weren't enough, it occurred to me the other day that a blog needs a banner, and as such this is not yet a blog. The first person to send one to rlongoz at gmail dot com (prominently displaying the title) will have their glorious banner proudly displayed atop this site for at least a week. I probably won't post it if it insinuates that I'm a pedo or anything like that, but almost everything is fair game. Plus I don't think anyone ever reads this shit anyways. I am relatively certain that this is another very good idea.

Masterful Czech Graffiti: #2

I apologize in advance for the awful formatting of this blog. Blogger is not very user-friendly or intuitive.

Anyways... You know how everyone holds within themselves the innate dream to just drop everything they're doing and write 'shit' on the wall? Well I guess some people are dreamers, and some are doers.

Such finesse.

I've recently moved to a new neighbourhood called Zizkov, and have been walking around a LOT over the past couple days, thus exposing myself to a great range of graffiti themes. All of the forthcoming photos were taken over the course of a two-hour walk. 

Take a second to consider that these people are taking time out of their days to translate their tags into a second, or even third, language for the viewing pleasure of those who speak English. That's pretty impressive when you think about it.

The first two tags which inspired me to take out my camera that day. Short, sweet, well put (not to mention punctuated):

My friend Matt stumbled upon a blue "CRIPS" tag his old Prague neighbourhood. This was a most beliwdering sight in Zizkov, completing my confusion over Matt's find.

Just down the block, a public service announcement, imaginably to combat the prevalence of 'BLOODS' tags:

The Hell's Angels confirming their presence:

And what the hell, how about some nine-year-old millenium paranoia to round out an excellent walk:

Masterful Czech Graffiti: #1

This is a feature I just know will become a mainstay on this blog.  The #1 and #2 national passions in the Czech Republic are (as everyone will agree) picking wild mushrooms and going to the store to buy yogurt, respectively. But did you know that the #3 national pastime is graffiti, followed closely by hating on narcissists and warmongers?

Take as proof this 'beaut' I found on the street the other day:

...and its poetic complement, just a few metres further down the wall:

Homer Simpson sits, watching his favourite cop show, McGarnigle.

Chief (On TV): You're off the case, McGarnigle!

McGarnigle: You're off YOUR case, Chief!

Chief: What does that mean, exactly?

Homer (screaming at TV): IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!

Moments I Wish I Spoke Czech: #1

A few nights ago I’m walking down the street. It’s Thursday, maybe 10 pm. I see this guy, around my age, lying in a dumpster full of brick roofing shingles. His white collared shirt is ripped open and he is not moving. Jesus, I think, someone should help this person.

I have no phone, I don’t speak Czech, and even if I had a fucking phone I wouldn't even know the number for an ambulance. Well, I think, maybe he’s just drunk. After a few minutes of standing there I decide this is a human being, and he's not okay.

Anyways, the rest of this story is boring so let’s just say he died in my arms and a car bomb went off at his funeral. SKEET!

A Most Sophisticated Return to Blogging

Okay so I'm posting again. I really hope I don't neglect this blog as much as I think I'm going to. Time will tell. 

It's been a really long time since I've posted anything here, and come to think of it, all of the posts thus far have been academic-related. Much has happened since I stopped. I've graduated university, thereby ceasing my scholastic pursuits for the time being, and I've moved to the Czech Republic. In memoriam of my academic career, I will now begin this blog anew with various musings about Central and Eastern European toilet- and bathroom-related matters.

First of all, my flat is arranged so that the toilet (avec un bidet élégant) and shower are separate. A common Eur-ocurrence, new to me in my Western ignorance, but not even really worth analyzing. But it gets stranger.

1. On Artificially, Albeit Very, Intelligent Urinals

There are these urinals here in Prague which, upon sensing a person is finished, flush. "Well we have those in North America," you say. Shut your damn fool mouth, I'm not done; this flush is IMMEDIATE and the amount these urinals flush is RELATIVE TO THE AMOUNT OF LIQUID DEPOSITED BY THE USER. 

The North American urinal sensor operates in a binary fashion. It's either '1', someone's standing here pissing, or '0', nobody's pissing, time to flush or sit idle. We were all very impressed upon its public release. "How does it know?" we all asked moronically. "How innovative!"

I had a bizarre epiphanic experience a few weeks ago while pissing in a local pizzeria. I finished, and before I could move out of the range of any typical North American sensor, the fucking thing flushed. So there I stood, in front of the urinal, flabbergasted. I had not budged. "How does it... ...goddammit." No visible sensor. I scanned the upper corners of the room for cameras, anything to explain this shit. As a force of habit, I spat into the urinal and watched in awed reverence as a quick stream of water sprinkled down the white porcelain, just enough to wash away my liquid addition. I started thinking about the Russian Mafia and how you're always hearing rumours about their immense resources and how they control everything in Central and Eastern Europe. "How do they know?"

...I don't know, but they do.

Pros: 

- Easy to use

- No wasted water, down-to-the millilitre flushing technology

- Fun to spit in 

Cons:

- May cause paranoid schizophrenia

- That's about it

2. The Downfall of Automatic Bathrooms

So there's an awesome restaurant by our place. Its bathroom looks like an IKEA showroom from the mid-90s when everyone was obsessed with primary colours and basic shapes. The lights in this bathroom are automatic, triggered by the same technology Vancouverites use to scare poor people away from their garages at night. Not unlike in Vancouver, the light stays on for a couple minutes once triggered. Well guess what, some people take more than a couple of minutes.

Pros: 

- Ecologically and financially friendly

Cons: 

- Shitting in a pitch black room with no windows and a slippery floor both degrading and hazardous to safety

3. On the Hungarian Toilet, a.k.a. Exhib-shit-tion

I had the pleasure of spending the week of my 23rd birthday in Kisvarda, Hungary with Deidre, Matt, Deidre's stepdad George and his family, which was ballin as hell. The food was unreal, and in my opinion the best part. Every minute of every single day was spent thrusting home-cooked food into our gullets. It was great until I had to shit.

(Okay so after a bit of research I've discovered that this is actually a German design, but I've never been to Germany so fuck it. It's Hungarian.)

You do what you gotta do, then flush using a manual lever, which I like because you choose how much water to use, thus preventing global

 warming and saving thirsty babies the world over. Unfortunately the logic ends here.

To say the design of the toilets in Hungary is interesting would be the understatement of the fucking decade. Instead of a watery hole beneath yours, you have what can only be described as a display shelf featuring a small puddle. Water flows literally across this shelf (not down) into a hole at the front of the toilet. You can try squatting, or any number of perching positions, but it is impossible to drop it right in the hole. This would simply go against the design. For better or worse, this means once you're done, your magnificent excrement rests gloriously, like a Fabergé Egg minus the glass box, in a dirty little puddle mere centimetres from your ass. 

If you're in Hungary and you've eaten a feast of lamb and cabbage rolls and are thinking about flushing your shit down the toilet, fuck you. Seriously. Forget about it. Remember when you 

were a kid at the water park, and there would sometimes be that stubborn little pussy of a kid 

who'd get cold feet sitting at the top of the waterslide, and he'd just lay there weeping, hanging on to the edges for dear life as torrents of water pass him by? And everyone's just waiting there like, "alright kid, fucking go down the slide already, we don't have all day." Remember that kid? Well I'm usually the last guy to anthropomorphize human waste but I actually had a case of deja vu from the water park as I stood there, a grown-ass man, experimenting with pulsating flushes in a bid to coax my shit across a watery plateau with a decline of maybe 2 degrees. 

Now I know I'm not perfect, and I probably have no right to criticize things that are clearly established in European life and that just seem new and unusual to me. But come on, this is fucking stupid. 

Sidenote: As I experienced while taking a bar 

deuce in Budapest, there is nothing more humbling or sobering, nothing to more effectively spark your awareness that you are no different from a standard barnyard animal, than to 'make brown' and immediately notice the steamy heat and the smell (my God, the SMELL!) usually shrouded by the 'downward funnel/bowl of water' design of the typical North American toilet. So maybe just take it from me without having to experience it yourself. You're no better than anything else.

Pros:

- Manual flush, very little wasted water

- Potential for Buddhist-style enlightenment through realization of anatta or 'not-self'. You are not 'you'. There is actually no such thing as 'you' or 'I'. There is no unconditioned self within our constructed sense of self. At the end of the day, everything was meant to shit in the woods. Toilets are a source of dhukka, or suffering.

- The perfect display accessory for a ratemypoo.com user

Cons:

- Potentially nauseating, depending on level of tolerance 

- Running out of options when the flowing water just won't make it budge (Use your imagination. And some toilet paper unless you want to get your hands dirty.)