Mein-y Kampf-mas

I'm sorry for not posting a lot recently. I've been busy, so back off.

Anyways, I picked up this old postcard at a second hand shop here in Prague. It's Santa Klaus, which is kinda strange because in the Czech Republic they teach their kids that it's the baby Jesus (not Santa) who sneaks around giving gifts to kids. The card itself pretty innocuous and kinda festive, until you turn it over, and then uh-oh:

In this photo (L to R): Happy little Czech children, Santa Klaus

In this photo (L to R): Hitler

Jiří Šlégr saves the day

Over the course of about two full seasons in total with the Vancouver Canucks, Jiří Šlégr chalked up a total of 77 points. Not bad, but not amazing either. I remember he could pass like a madman and exhibited classic European grace on the ice, but not much else. But now I will love him forever because he saved my ass about half an hour ago.


So I've had an aboslutely terrible morning today, spent mostly at the Prague foreign police office trying both to get my Czech business license and to help Deidre stay in this country legitimately. Anyways, my Metro pass, which had been valid for three months, expired two days ago. I was taking the tram without a valid ticket, or 'riding dirty' as we call it, towards a Metro station where I was planning to renew my pass. I stand up to get off at my stop when a Metro officer flashes his badge in my face and demands, in Czech, to see my pass. We get off the tram together and I am about ready at this point to either bolt or commit a good ol' desperate murder-suicide.

Now the language barrier in this country is a huge problem for me. I can ask for things, and communicate at a basic level, but to explain that I am a legal EU citizen who A) has had an absolute nightmare of a morning and is thus somehow deserving of his mercy and B) is LITERALLY on his way to renew the shit the officer wants, is to say the least beyond my level of Czech speaking proficiency. I fumble my way through some basic Czech and look in his eyes like he's just killed my family for no reason. He is getting pissed. He thinks for a second and looks at me stone faced, telling me, in English, "No ticket - no pass - you - police," while gesturing in the direction of the police station down the road.

So I take off my backpack to pull out some money to pay the guy and he notices my huge old school Vancouver Canucks patch. He starts talking in Czech about osoby on the Canucks, like people on the Canucks, and I excitedly follow what he's saying, like "Fuck yeah man, Jiří Šlégr, on je český! A Petr Nedvěd! On je od Liberec!"

He turns and looks in the other direction and says to me, "Tak jo, hezky den," which means something like "Alright then, have a nice day." So I walked away in total disbelief, and now I gotta go renew my pass. WHAT THE FUCK! ha ha HA!

Moments I Wish I Spoke Czech: #1

A few nights ago I’m walking down the street. It’s Thursday, maybe 10 pm. I see this guy, around my age, lying in a dumpster full of brick roofing shingles. His white collared shirt is ripped open and he is not moving. Jesus, I think, someone should help this person.

I have no phone, I don’t speak Czech, and even if I had a fucking phone I wouldn't even know the number for an ambulance. Well, I think, maybe he’s just drunk. After a few minutes of standing there I decide this is a human being, and he's not okay.

Anyways, the rest of this story is boring so let’s just say he died in my arms and a car bomb went off at his funeral. SKEET!