NWSFLSH: Turns Out Osama bin Laden Hates Climate Change as Much as You Do

from Al Jazeera:

"...In an audio tape obtained by Al Jazeera, [Osama] bin Laden criticised George Bush, the former US president, for rejecting the Kyoto pact and condemned global corporations. 'This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take,' bin Laden said."

Clever, clever, clever! And kind of surprising at first glance, the rascal. In a bid to appeal to anyone and everyone disillusioned by the big business-friendly West, bin Laden offers his own "you guys, we gotta stop this craziness, you guys" criticism of carbon emissions. He praises Noam Chomsky's stance toward the 'Mafia-esque' US government and encourages world markets to stop dealing in the US dollar so that its stranglehold over foreign economies will diminish.

He whines articulately, "George Bush junior, preceded by Congress, dismissed the agreement to placate giant corporations. And they are themselves standing behind speculation, monopoly and soaring living costs. They are also behind globalisation and its tragic implications. And whenever the perpetrators are found guilty, the heads of state rush to rescue them using public money."

Now I'm no kitten-stabbing terrorist-championing sleeper agent, but the motherfucker does bring up a couple of totally valid and relevant points. The shitty thing is, this particular message, coming from perhaps the most universally despised figure imaginable (in the western world, anyway), has about the same 'no-fucking-duh, asshole' communicative effectiveness as your drunken uncle whispering complaints about the recession into your ear while he's struggling to fit his dick in your butt. At the same time, though, the fact that he's choosing this message as the one to appeal to everyone in the world is pretty cool and kind of encouraging.

Naturally, the far right immediately jumped on this as the perfect opportunity to not-so-subtly equate "environmentalists, European anarchists, [and] many Congressional Democrats" with al-Qaeda-related baby eating and such. But who really gives a shit what a knuckle-dragging mouthbreather making arguments like that has to say anyways, am I right?

Yes.

My First Youtube Video Remix

Idiot + FOX News =

Me+ Poverty + Unable to go out on Saturday night + Bored as hell =

Mein-y Kampf-mas

I'm sorry for not posting a lot recently. I've been busy, so back off.

Anyways, I picked up this old postcard at a second hand shop here in Prague. It's Santa Klaus, which is kinda strange because in the Czech Republic they teach their kids that it's the baby Jesus (not Santa) who sneaks around giving gifts to kids. The card itself pretty innocuous and kinda festive, until you turn it over, and then uh-oh:

In this photo (L to R): Happy little Czech children, Santa Klaus

In this photo (L to R): Hitler

Mugabe to World Leaders: "Bitch I thought I told you to shut your dirty bitch mouth, bitch"

So it sucks that there's still stuff to post about this dude, but our buddy and President of the Failed State of Zimbabwe Robert "Fuckhead" Mugabe is back at it again. There is so much shit going down in his country right now that it's impossible to talk about it all, but it's also impossible not to say anything about it. So here's a brief summary of the tip of the iceberg.

Firstly:  Mugabe's government has now gone on record insulting heads of state all over the world who have criticized its tyrannical dictatorship, stating it hopes "this is the last time they open their dirty mouths on Zimbabwe." As of today, Mugabe is inexplicably (and inexcusably) backed by the African Union in his refusal to leave office and is using this opportunity to all but dare the rest of the world to overthrow him, saying through his spokesman, "we won this country through the barrel of the gun and we will defend it the way we won it." No doubt that's hardcore, but it's the stupid kind of hardcore, more like post-screamo-core than anything. So this isn't the first time Mugabe and his crew have challenged world leaders. He's been noted in the past for, on separate occasions, telling former UK PM Tony Blair and American Ambassador to Zimbabwe Chris Dell to both "go to hell." He also once called Blair a "gangster" who had "gone insane." I love that. I'm sorry but to me it's really funny when politicians are that candid on record.

Secondly: Apart from widespread starvation, which is more or less commonplace and therefore no longer surprising in this country, Zimbabweans have a couple of terrifying disease outbreaks to keep their minds off their mess of a country. FAQ TIME!

Q: Which diseases? A: Cholera, the last outbreak of which in North America occurred in 1911 (and has now infected over 11,000 Zimbabweans), and ANTHRAX. Like, not your fancy "biotech-lab-cultured-post-9/11-white-powder-to-Sen.-Tom-Daschle" kind of anthrax, but rather the "your-livestock-is-dead-because-you-can't-feed-it-and-death-surrounds-you-because-there's-no-firewood-to-boil-water-with-and-you-are-literally-forced-to-eat-raw-the-spore-ridden-rotting-corpses-of-your-cattle" kind of anthrax.

Q: Who the fuck gets anthrax nowadays? A: I don't know. It's insane. But the real answer is 3 people, so far.

Thirdly: These internal and foreign policy calamities all come just days after George "Fuckhead" Bush finally spoke out against Mugabe, saying something like "DUR, he's bad...time to go," which, coming from the spittled mouth of the most powerful subhumans on the planet, is supposed to mean something. So who the hell knows. Barack Obama has yet to make a comment, so this would be a good opportunity for him to step up and at least say something.

At the same time, although it sounds selfish, the paper money bathing fantasy I keep writing about (see 'Zimbabwe' tag below) seems to become more and more realistic every day, even after Mugabe knocked ten zeroes off the currency a couple months back. In reaction to months and months of exploding hyperinflation (and really, who could have guessed that knocking ten zeroes off the currency would NOT effectively solve the nation's financial crisis?), the government has now unveiled its latest obscenely large bill, at the denomination of $200,000,000. This is the second time around that they've released a bill at this amount, so maybe this'll be it. Maybe this is as high as they'll have to go, and they won't release a $1 billion bill in the next month or so. Maybe. Probably not though. I don't think it's unreasonable to say it won't be long until they're back to the $100 billion bill and I'm washing my stanky crotch in cash money that is worth less that the dirt it's covered in. 

Lastly: Under Mugabe's orders, as if all this bullshit weren't enough of a strain on the Zimbabwean people, his troops have now begun to spark and fuel a huge blood-diamond industry by looting diamond mines, killing indiscriminately, and generally fucking shit up all over the place.

BOOOOO. Next post will be positive and happy, I promise.

Ace Ventura Jr. ...wait, what?

Either this idea sucks or I'm just pissed I've never had my own straight-to-DVD movie deal.

You suck, kid. Stand up straight, you idiot.

Come on, America.

I have a really bad feeling about tonight, and I hope it's unjustified. It is a feeling that there is a shitload of silent support for McCain, or rather, against half-black leadership. Support that has not participated in any polls, probably because it doesn't own a telephone, and that will come out in record numbers to ensure a minority never gains power. Sort of like an inbred mute midget with an Uzi, who looks timid and easy to beat up, but will blow your ass away the second you step to him.

Come on, America. Don't let some stupid rednecks ruin it for everyone else again. A vote for McCain is a vote for a true-blue polar bear fucker. FACT.

from funwithmccain.com

Also, not to flog a dead horse, but buddy is 71. The life expectancy of an average american male is 73. A presidential term lasts four years. Hmmm...

Let's do some simple math. 71 - 73 = 2 years of this horrible prostitute RUNNING THE WORLD.


Fingers crossed!

Things I've Missed Out On: Zimbabwean Cash Baths

The other day, as I was posting that amazing joke about the Icelandic economy, I was reminded of a photograph I saw earlier this summer of a Zimbabwean kid strutting down the street with as many stacks of cash his little arms could carry. I remember thinking, this kid is a fucking pimp. Then I read up on it and discovered these $200,000 bills he's carrying were worth about 3 cents apiece. Okay, I think to myself, so maybe he's not a pimp, he's probably been charged with the task of walking to the corner store to buy a bottle of milk.

Hyperinflation is fascinating to me. This spring, one Canadian dollar would have bought you over ZWD$45 million. I ask YOU, who could resist the temptation to bathe in this much money? By July, the Canadian dollar was worth almost ZWD$1 trillion. They were printing money so fast that they fucking ran out of paper. Give me a fucking break; at this rate it would actually be cheaper to bathe in the money than to try and spend it on anything. It would be possible to save on food costs by blending the shit in water and drinking the worthless, filthy slurry. Economically speaking, it would literally be a waste of time to hold, look at, or burn stacks of this currency to warm your home. I think you get the idea.

Okay, so everything other than the money bath is rather unappealing. In fact, it's understandably ruining the lives of almost all Zimbabweans. Still though, filling a bathtub with liquid capital and writhing ecstatically within it has always been a dream of mine, especially bills with so many zeroes (on July 19th, they released a ZWD$100 billion bill, the highest denomination of currency ever produced anywhere, which could buy about three eggs).

For a second there, I thought this bathing idea may have been possible, at least until July 30 when widely detested tyrant dictator Robert "Fuckhead" Mugabe and his corrupt, impotent government ruined my dream by knocking ten zeroes off the currency, turning ZWD$10 billion into ZWD$1. I guess he assumed he could save on money printing costs or something.

Robert Mugabe is a fucking clown, but not the funny kind. The kind who has his opposition leader arrested and beaten to a pulp. The kind who has dissident citizens raped and beaten. The kind who consistently rigs elections, works around the clock to destroy freedom of press, and earlier this year had his thugs sever the hands and feet of a political opponent's pregnant wife before burning her and her six-year-old son alive.

He's a huge prick, is what I'm trying to say. In the early 1920s the Weimar Germans decided "Hey, we'll just print more money," and it failed. Mugabe said "Oh, our currency is worth less than nothing? Um, er, DUHHH... No it's not...?" and expected everyone to believe him. Well guess what, Mugabe? It ain't fucking working, man. The ZWD coins you reintroduced were worthless again within days. On September 19th you had to introduce a ZWD$1000 bill and then ZWD$10,000 and ZWD$20,000 ten days later (maybe it's just a matter of time before I can fulfill my bathing fantasy). The minimum price for a loaf of bread is ZWD$7000, or $70 trillion in the old system. Half a kilogram of baby cereal costs ZWD$1060. The average teacher's monthly salary is ZWD$800. Your country's inflation is now estimated to be 5,700,000,000,000% (not a typo - trillions), and you couldn't give a shit. Asshole.

So how are you?