CONTEST: Who Am I?

First person to guess who I am in the comments section will get that crisp Hitler postcard personally mailed to them, by whoever I end up being. By the way, you can now comment on all my posts without signing in to anything.

CLUES:

I like American football. In fact I am an NFL star.

I love drugs. I was arrested in 2006 with a bunch of weed and have since claimed, on record, that I know how to beat the NFL's drug testing system.

I love women. Well actually this one is more of a love-hate kinda thing. You could say I have a penchant for spitting in the faces of women at nightclubs. Although there have been several incidents of this, the most recent was in 2006. Her story: motherfucker spat in my face for no reason. My story: bitch stole my wallet.

I love violence. A laundry list of misdemeanour assault and weapons charges litters my criminal record. Perhaps my fondest violent memory was the time a few months ago when I drunkenly assaulted some bodyguards who were personally assigned by my NFL team to keep me out of trouble. As a result I was suspended indefinitely from the NFL for the second time in my career. How many guys can truthfully speak that sentence?

I was also arrested a year ago for assaulting a female strip club employee in Atlanta. Her story: motherfucker reached over the counter and suckerpunched me in the left eye. My story: to quote Slim Thug, "I ain't heard a dat."

I suffer from autism, or if I'm not autistic, I simply have no concept of finances or monetary value. Outside of my football career, I am best known for walking into a Las Vegas strip club and showering 40 strippers with literally over $81,000. Club owner's story: motherfucker flipped out once my girls started to actually pick up the money he was throwing around. He repeatedly bashed a stripper's head against a metal bar and when confronted, threatened to kill our security staff. Upon leaving, two of his friends returned into the club and shot up the place, seriosuly injuring two people and leaving another paralyzed for life. My story: I'm a paying customer.

So? Who am I?

NWSFLSH: Man Shoots Breeze, Self

This is why I pack my nine in a holster.

Disgraced football star Plaxico Buress was behind this beautiful excerpt from a police report (thanks Pat):

"...informant observed defendant holding a drink in his left hand while fidgeting with his right hand in the area of the waistline of his pants as he entered the upper VIP area of the Latin Quarter Club... Informant then heard a 'pop' sound and defendant stated in substance, "Take me to a hospital." Informant then observed defendant's legs begin to shake and as defendant's legs were shaking, informant observed a pistol fall out of defendant's pant leg to the floor. Informant further observed that there was blood on said pistol."

Tremendous.

Apart from having a name that sounds like a dildo manufacturing company, Plaxico has had problems in the past. Last year he stormed out of a strip club, insulting female patrons and refusing to pay his $2000 bill because "no women were paying any attention to him." Asshat.